Carpe diem!

Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero translated as Seize the present, trust tomorrow e’en as little as you may.  In other words, make the most of the present and give little thought to the future. A lot of us are familiar with this saying. Or as Matthew 6:34 so aptly puts it “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” I wish I could say Carpe diem was my life’s motto or that I faithfully practice what the above verse instructs but I can’t.

These two statements are asking me to do the very thing I have been struggling with, especially recently. Is it really that easy to live so fully in the present that you give very little thought to the future? Am I the only one who struggles with this? If you’ve succeeded in doing this, please share your secrets. I want to be that person that finds such joy in the little things around me every day; to make the most of every single day no matter how uncertain the future seems; to be content without settling. I recognize that this won’t happen overnight, but I wish it would. I have been in limbo for so long that I don’t remember what it feels like to have a sense of stability, to feel like I don’t have a care in the world because everything is in it’s proper place. Is it so wrong to want to have a semblance of control over certain aspects of your life? I’m fully aware of the fact that life has seasons, nothing is permanent but some days it feels like this winter season will never give way to spring. And it’s so cold that I’ve long forgotten what summer feels like. I keep telling myself that it’s only a matter of time until I get my break, it doesn’t even have to be a big one – a little one will do. That the time will come when it no longer feels like I’ve been forgotten, and I can look forward to each day with excitement and anticipation instead of indifference or anxiety.

In my last post, I talked about reflections & gratitude; reminding myself constantly of all the things that I should be thankful for helps to ease the feelings of discontent that want to take root in my heart. I’m learning that I shouldn’t let tomorrow’s problems steal my peace for today. I write this easily, but it is so hard to do. It takes quite a bit of effort to make that daily even hourly decision to focus on today and not think of tomorrow. Some days I’m a bit successful but truthfully most days I’m not. But I’m working on it. I’m praying about it and through it. As the days pass by and due dates get closer, it’s hard not to panic. The planner in me is going nuts because I don’t have my usual plan A through Z. The worrier in me wonders how I’m going to make ends meet and loves to create worst case scenarios but the optimist reminds me of how far I have come and assures me that my best days are still ahead of me. I think I’m going to stick with the optimist.  So, starting today Carpe diem is going to be my motto for the rest of the year and for 2018 as well because why not?

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