I feel stuck. Truth be told, I’ve been feeling this way for a few months now. Have you ever felt that way? Where it appears no matter what you do, you can’t get out of where you are. Or you take a step forward one day, only to retreat several steps the next day. Well, that’s where I am at the moment. And for the life of me, I don’t know how to get unstuck. I like to think of myself as a positive person, one who tries to find the silver lining but lately, it’s been hard to look on the bright side.
Although I can’t possibly go back to the past and make different decisions sometimes I wonder what I would do differently if given the opportunity. What might I have done differently? I think I would have found a different, better paying job that was more related to public health than conducting research in a lab. Maybe, I could have worked for longer while saving money for graduate school. I’m not sure how many years of work it would take to save $100,000 to pay for grad school but I might have been able to save enough to reduce the student loan I took out by a significant amount. Would I have moved back home for a year before graduate school? I’m not entirely certain. Instead of moving home, maybe I could have interned or volunteered at a global health organization, to get a foot in the door when I would need it a few years later.
It’s easier to sit here and think about what I could have done differently because it’s already past. However, I can’t help but think about all the wonderful friends I’ve made over the last few years and the circumstances under which we met. Or the life lessons along the way. Or the opportunities that I’ve had and the impact they’ve had on my life. If I had taken a different path, I would have made different friends and had different opportunities but I believe that everything happens for a reason and there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t be in the same spot that I’m in currently even if I took that different path.
When I think about why I feel so stuck, I realize that most of it is driven by fear. Not only am I feeling stuck right now, I’m terrified that it’s not going to change. My circumstances might change, but that feeling of being stuck might persist. As much as I love being back home with my family, I’ve lost most of my independence. It’s hard to go back to living with your parent and abiding by their rules when you’ve lived on your own for 10+ years. I’m also limited in how I can get around and what I can do. Nothing new or different ever really happens. I don’t necessarily think I’m discontent, I just feel there’s so much more I could be doing. I guess part of it is also my fault, because really, I could create opportunities for myself. There’s always something to do if you look hard enough. Maybe I’m having a hard time because I haven’t fully reconciled where I’m at currently to where I want to be. I haven’t fully accepted that I’m back home. I know I’ve been back for about 6 months now but in my mind and heart, it’s still a temporary move. Who knows? It may or may not be. I’m a planner and always have been so I think I’m struggling with being unable to see where my life is headed. Even when I don’t have all the details, I usually have some idea. At the very least a first step. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt stuck, and it probably won’t be the last. And instead of staying stuck, I’m going to do something about it because I shouldn’t let these feelings linger for too long. I should be making the best out of every situation. So, I’m going to look for opportunities to serve in my community. Put my skills to good use. By being of service somewhere, I can take my mind off my problems. And I have plenty things to check off my list of things to do in my 30th year of life. That should keep me busy for a while. And while I work through these feelings, I’m going to keep praying for direction, clarity and peace and keep believing that things will fall into place soon.